thoughts about the past lead to thoughts of the future

It's official, I am off coumadin! For those that may be wondering why I was on coumadin, let me give you a brief explanation. I had a pulmonary embolism in February of 2009. At the time, we didn't know I had a blood clot and, even once we discovered what it was, we didn't realize the severity of the situation. However, once out of the hospital (I was inpatient for about 1 week), we truly began to realize how dangerous my situation was and how God's hand was truly over everything! I was moments away from dying (literally) and I believe 100% that God put His hand on that clot and kept it from moving any further. Soooo...I have been on coumadin for a little over a year and have now been given permission to quit!

I sit here over one year later and am ready to start this new chapter. Many people have asked Ben and I if we are going to have any more kids. Of course, ultimately, we know that is up to God; however, we did want to have at least one more. Now that I am off of coumadin, we are free to give Banner a sibling! We are wanting to wait until the end of this year to get a few more things in order around the house, but then...who knows?

As I think about another baby, it makes me think back on these past 30 months with Banner. He is an absolute joy to be around and he amazes me every day with his love and sweet heart. He is so friendly and just loves to love on anybody and everybody. The part that pulls at my heart strings is how innocent he is. Despite his tendencies to be a sinful human being, he still doesn't quite understand "how the world works." (which I am soooo grateful for!) It makes me smile (and yet aches my heart) when he hears another baby or kid crying and asks, "Aww...Mommy, what happened? They ok?" Melt my heart!

I believe whole heartedly that God heard and answered my prayers when I was pregnant with Banner. I remember hearing that mothers (and fathers) would pray for their children before they entered this world. I can't say I did the best job with that. I was scared. Banner was a surprise and we had a lot going on in our lives at that point. How was I going to take care of another life? How could I give love to another being when I felt unloved myself? How could I comfort a baby when I needed somebody to hold me? Oh, but how our Heavenly Father knows us! He had a plan for me TONS BETTER than I could have ever imagined! Stupid me for not having faith in Him. He told me over and over that He would be there and work it out for His glory! ("And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28) The times I was able to muster enough strength to pray for Banner before we even knew him, I prayed that God would give him a sweet heart. Oh boy...did God deliver on that!!!

The other thing that Ben and I both prayed was that God's voice would be the loudest in Banner's life. We prayed (and still do) that Ben and I would be good stewards with what He has blessed us with, and this includes Banner. It is scary to think that we are part of the picture Banner views when he thinks of God. God is referred to as a Father and yet, if Banner does not have a good impression of his earthly father, what will he think of his Heavenly Father? We hear about Christ's love. We also hear about the undying and relentless love of a mother. However, if I don't love my child, how will he learn to trust that God DOES love him? On that note, we asked for wisdom in raising Banner up in the way that God wanted him to go. But, we know we are human. We know there will be times when our sinful nature will kick in as parents and, it is during those times, we pray that God shuts our mouths. If we are too stubborn to let God silence us, then we pray God numbs Banner's ears so that he hears only the Lord leading him.

Ohhh...just writing this down takes me back to over 3 years ago and the things going through my heart and head. How utterly terrifying to think we could bring another life into this world at some point. And, yet...how humbling...that we would be entrusted to love and care for another gift from God. Oh the possibilities! Time will tell....